No More of This and That

For almost 10 years Stuart slept under my desk while I worked.

That’s a lot of snoring. And deep breathing. And doggie dream yips and startled muscle twitches.

It’s just not right that he’s no longer under my desk.

And no longer sitting at the back door. We keep the door closed now.

IMG_2966

Or sleeping in the big bed between me and The Dad Peep. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes.

stu sleeping

Or staring out the front door watching the world go by. The front door stays shut.

It’s sometimes just too much to bear.

There are no morning or afternoon walks to take together. The walks that we just started taking again are filled with, “Which way do you want to go?” “I don’t know, which way do you want to go?” “Let’s go a different way.” “Which way would that be?” “I’m not sure, all directions hurt.”

I still pause because I’m afraid I’ll step on him at night as I make my way to the bathroom. He’d sometimes snooze on the rug before making his way into the big bed.

But he’s not there and I don’t have to worry about hurting him in the dark anymore.

Weekend yard work is excruciating.

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He had one big ole’ heck of a time wandering around snoopervising and snoozing. I’d stop to look for him when I’d see the mailman come our way or when I spotted a dog he didn’t like coming toward the house. Had to make sure he wouldn’t get into harm’s way.

The neighbors must have thought we were crazy when one of us would yell above the lawn mower or weed whacker, “Is he with you?”  “No!”

It was usually I who’d stop and walk the yard looking for him.

He wouldn’t come. No matter what. He took great delight in watching me walk around looking for him. Calling and calling. Then, POOF!, there he was, ambling his way over to me from behind a bush. Smiling.  With a wagging tail.

No more of that. No more making sure the gates are closed. No more checking the water bowls. No more adding fresh green beans to the shopping list.

His half-full bucket of dry dog food is still at the top of the basement stairs and his cow toe is still on the living room rug under the coffee table.

Even though the rug’s been vacuumed a gazillion times since December 12, 2015.

About The Scottie Chronicles

Winston welcomes you to The Scottie Chronicles - a dog blog that began in 2009 as a voice for Stuart, a more than memorable black, brindle and white Scottish Terrier who captured hearts around the world. Stuart passed suddenly in December 2015 from cardiac hemangiosarcoma, a nasty cancer that took him far too early. He would have been 11 years old in March 2017. The Scottie Chronicles is dedicated to Stuart and the joy he shared with everyone who met him or saw him from afar. If you love Scotties, please follow along. Arroooo!
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28 Responses to No More of This and That

  1. Scout & Abby's Peep says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I cried along with you while reading this. You put into words just exactly how it feels. I’m so very sorry. But you have all those wonderful wonderful memories to keep you company and those will never leave. Meanwhile, Stuart is watching out for you and thinking of you just as often as you him. You will be together again rest assured of that. Why does loving something/someone have to be so painful?

  2. I understandyou… I felt no longer at home in my own house as we were alone … and even to find a hair from their fur made me cry …. I still have the pack with the cream cheese pieces in my fridge, they probably are bio-hazard now, but I will keep it…. hugs to you…

  3. Piglove says:

    Come here my sweets for huge hogs and snout kisses. There is nothing anyone can say that could take away the pain of a lost anipal that has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. We do have a way of sneaking in and stealing your heart before you realize it. I like to think of those times that our hearts break the most, that our beloved friends are there with us – maybe invisible – but still there with us nudging us with their noses and touching us with their paws. We are always here for you our friend – always! Must love to the moon and back! XOXO – Bacon

  4. Mama says we sneak in all innocent and cute, and them we methodically take over our Hooman’s lives to the point where everything exists around us and our likes, dislikes and needs. Heh heh…very stealth. It has only been three months or so since Stuart got his ticket. 6 months may find you in a better place emotionally. Still hurting and missing Stuart, but functioning a bit better. That what happened after Noah set out for the Bridge. Dark, dark, dark days, then a little shaft of light that gradually grew. Mama and I are sending you much love.

  5. Fozziemum says:

    Oh lordie how this makes my heart sad..we can only imagine as we watch with tentative breaths every day our pooches are with us..they sleep more and more..have quirky weird habits now..they have less puff for walks and are getting hard of hearing..no more up at the sound of a cheese wrapper..see all the pets here are old..sheep included..so we too dance between joy at each day and fear that the next may never be long enough..we jokingly call this Shady pines for pets..but we know that when our turn comes it will most likely be one after the other..we all feel your sadness and we all share that pain..take our hugs and have a good cry..it is sometimes all we can do my friend..love Fozziemum xxx ❤

  6. Two French Bulldogs says:

    Memories are so good of our furry kids. We understand. We miss Benny so much too. Hopefully they are having a blast together. Is it silly we look over at the Benny on my dresser and say good night every night.
    Lily & Edward

  7. nordhuesn says:

    Our hearts ache with yours. We know all too well the pain. And yes it can be a physical pain just like a sprained ankle. We wish for your heart to mend. The stitched area will heal, but a scar named Stuart will be in it’s place forever to be with you.

  8. It’s often difficult to put into words what it’s like but you did it…….things just aren’t RIGHT. They’re different in a not nice way…….the pain never goes away, it just becomes softer with time. But once in a while – when you really aren’t expecting it, it hits you so hard it takes your breath away. We are already dreading the day Sammy leaves us and at 16 with failing health it’s hard to say when that may be……but we are loving every minute we have with him now…………..

    Sending you hugs of comfort…….
    Pam (and Sam)

  9. Sending big warm hugs and luffs. My peeps haf been there and nose just what you are going through. Previous paws Mia was a VERY noisy dog, snorting and snuffling and always talking to them, when she went the house was sooo quiet. Then…along I came and the peeps nose when its quiet…be afraid, be very afraid, The Princess is up to MISCHIEF!!!!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

  10. I am beyond sad and I have no words to express my feelings.
    SWTS

  11. theguster says:

    My heart is aching after reading your description of life without Stuart. Everything you said we can all relate to. I wish there was some way, or words, to ease your pain, but there simply isn’t. Grief can be unrelenting and cuts us to the bone. It never leaves us, just subsides.

    Stuart doesn’t want to see you suffer and be so sad, it makes him sad, I am sure. He knew in his heart that he was given the best gift when he was specially chosen by you and the dad peep. He enjoyed a bountiful life of love, comfort and protection, living a King’s existence (rightfully so) that you provided. Try to focus on all the good you three shared. That is the beautiful thing about love – the give and take it allows us to have.

    The Scottie Chronicles has been a gift to all of Stuart’s followers, and we are thankful you have decided to keep it going. Your beautiful boy is beloved by us all and will be forever! We still pray that your heart heals soon 💔 and that you find peace again.

    Extra Hugs & XOXOX
    McDuff & Mom

  12. Word on the street is all the Scotties at my brother Angus Fala’s boiled egg and ice cream parlor, at the corner of Stoic and Stubborn, right in the heart of Terrier Town at Rainbow Bridge City had a good cry when they read this at breakfast today.

  13. What to do when there is no reason to do all the little things we did all day without even realizing? Your grief is palpable, we wish we had words to help, but sometimes there are none are there?

    Edgar and his mum

  14. sue ellen says:

    It just hurts. And ‘everything’ is different . And empty .Part of your daily life and love had to go away. If only there were words I knew to comfort you. Just know how much we care…
    I cry along with you….. sue ellen ♥

  15. Kismet says:

    We’ve been at this a year longer and we still have “Kyla moments”. Kaci and Kali have helped.

  16. rjkeyedup says:

    Dearest Peeptress…I’m wiping the tears; think the Guster said it best!
    & I bet if Stuart were there he’d be licking the tears from your eyes. My Toggie always did that.

    After my Norwich Toggie passed I thought I’d never get over it. I almost completely ignored the other two dogs still very much alive in our home – Mac, my other Norwich now almost 15, and Jesse, our Eski Pom rescue who is probably circling Stuart, checking him out.

    And then one day, 8 months later, the pain eased a bit, and we allowed another rescue in – Watson our first Scottie. The first time I heard him aroooo I was besides myself with wonder and joy. He was older, deaf, needed a home and love and gentle care for ears that were never properly taken care of… his time with us was short, but the STCGNY doors were open to us because of him.

    And then came Ozzy, and a year later Callie – two STCGNY rescue pups that have cushioned the big scar of losing my Toggie, and softened the rips of losing Watson and Jesse. I never thought it possible to open my heart to another – but it came easy and healed the hurt in ways I didn’t expect.
    That great love of your first so opens your heart, that the love spills onto another, and another…

    … and one day, who knows, you may end up with two [more fun for sure] special scotties that Stuart will send your way. He wants you to be happy and share that special love you have to give!

    May each passing day be soothed with his memory, kissed with wonderful thoughts of special times you had, and bring sunlight, healing your pain, opening your heart to new possibilities.

    Much love,
    Julie

  17. indyandlucy says:

    The loss is so great. It’s been over 4 years and Mom still sobs for Sophie the Scottie dog.

  18. bentley2 says:

    I am sending Hugs and Love to you. My heart hurts right along with you.
    Bentley

  19. Donna says:

    I cried too reading and watching the pictures. I feel almost as bad about his passing as I did about my Raelinn crossing the rainbow bridge. I used Stuart to get my Scottie fix every day. It took 2 years before we got another Scottie and I’m so happy we did. Skye isn’t anything like Raelinn, she is much more affectionate and even comes when you call her name. I keep asking her if she is sure she is a Scottie. She is the first to come when called and I had 4 other Scotties over the years. Stuart brightened my day and I still love the pictures, but I cry right along with you. Sending you a Scottie kiss from Skye.

  20. As I read this I have tears and anger at that mean old bell that tolls for all dogs. They were lovely photos. ❤

  21. lauramarec says:

    That is so rough! We who have lost our Bestest Friends, aka CHILDREN, know only too painfully well what you are going through! Like I’ve mentioned before, If only I could prevent this pain from happening to anyone–how great that would be! I remember the depths of sorrow, like a big hole of depression I had fallen into, when I lost my Hazel. Everything seemed darker, and I felt paralyzed. I really did not want to wake up to another day of agony. I feel so bad about your loss. Stu is a great Scottie who not only you, but all of those who knew him, will never forget. Stu does bring happy memories to me whenever I think of his darling Scottie Self! The beautiful pictures you share of Our Stu are so soothing and I love looking at them!
    How I wish I could remove this awful hurt from your life! I’m glad you have so many friends who know Stu, who have experienced the loss of a beloved friend, who can offer as much comfort as possible to you, Sweet Peepstress! You are still in my Thoughts and Prayers every single day, and we do know that Stu will NEVER ever, forget his wonderful Mum and Dad!
    Love and memories,
    Tessie-Girl’s and Riley-Puppy’s Mum

  22. corkscot says:

    My heart breaks for you. All of your remembrances are the reason that I don’t want to just have one dog in the house. Multiples make it easier in so many ways. Just think of what life would have been like without Stuart. The memories are as wonderful as the boy.

  23. Pingback: Friday’s Foto Fun – No Foolin’ | The Scottie Chronicles

  24. 😥 it’s why I simply had to bring new dogs home. The grief is overwhelming. Everything hurts. Everything reminds me of what I lost. But with others in the house I have to face the day. I have someone to come home to and a wagging butt or two to greet me. The grief is still there. I still miss her but now I can focus on the good memories. And I can function.

  25. WestScott says:

    I wanted to respond to this extremely touching post two days ago, but just couldn’t compose myself enough do to so at that time. It was not only reading the post, but all the touching comments. The pain that comes from losing a companion is just so overwhelming. Having been through this five times, reading everything just brought so many memories to the surface. But I think the most difficult thing for me is knowing that we will have to endure this at least two more times, and I can’t even think about that without having a meltdown. In May our Westie will be 11, and our Scottie will be 8, and that’s just way too “old” in my mind. They mean so much to us, just as Stuart meant the world to you. After each loss, we say “no more”, because we never want to go through it again. But then along comes an opportunity, and we fall in love and start the journey all over.

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